Holding Back
by Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare
Summary: Zuko knows that it has always been him, deep down. Because through the years, he has been all Zuko thinks about, be it obsession or not. And it pains him every time they are together. .:. Zukaang, a little 'unrequited love' drabble.


**A/N: Lately I've been into Zukaang, and I keep getting little scenes in my head. So here's another drabble, lulz.**

**Note: Takes place at the end of Sozin's Comet Part Four, Avatar Aang. You'll recognize the scene(s) well, I'm sure. ;P**

* * *

I pace down the hallway after guiltily being reunited with a girl I used to think I loved. I couldn't tell her that I am no longer interested in her; it would break her heart, and how could I do that to her again? She's a sensitive girl, beneath her stony exterior.

I remember the prison riot at the Boiling Rock. I remember gazing at her through the slot in the door, feeling sick because I knew that I was breaking her all over again, like I had when I left. I felt sorry for her, but I didn't pity her. Mai is not a girl to be pitied.

…Nor is she someone to be ignored. So I force a smile, force an embrace, but not another kiss. I can't, not after what I figured out not too long ago. Not after the revelation I've had.

I sigh, and approach the curtains that lead outside, to where lines of troops await to see my coronation to become the new Fire Lord. There is a person sitting hear the exit, someone very dear to me. I smile softly, one of my rarely-seen gentle smiles. A smile from my childhood, when my mother used to be around. I save this smile for him, because he's been the reason for everything I've done since I've been thirteen, whether I knew him then or not.

He is sitting there, almost asleep, but I know better. He's simply meditating as he waits for me.

There is a calm silence, despite the dull roar of murmuring voices just past the curtain before me. I hesitate in front of them, knowing that once I am crowned, my future will be set. I turn slightly towards the young teenage boy to my right. My Fire Lord clothes oddly heavy on my form, hanging with the weight of responsibility and unfamiliarity. Between us, I fill the silence with an obvious statement. I don't bother to conceal the disbelief in my words. "I can't believe a year ago my purpose in life was hunting you down. And now…"

It pains me to say the final two words, because I wish it weren't true. I wish we were more.

"And now we're friends," he finishes for me, a sweetly lopsided smile on his lips.

It hurts me t admit it, so I lance away for a moment. He will think it's simply in slight shock, since we were so different, and yet so similar. He won't think anything of it as I pull a nervous grin into my mouth. "Yeah," I agree weakly, "We _are_ friends." Only friends.

He stands. He looks like a living relic as someone might put it, by the way he's dressed. He wears clothes we dug up from the Dragonbone Catacombs, where thousands of stolen artifacts from conquered places during the war are held. The fully realized Airbending monk clothes suit him, now; he's grown into them, in a manner of speaking. As he stands, his smile widens, like he usually does. I pretend that I hadn't just been staring at him.

"I can't believe a year ago I was still frozen in a block of ice! It's all so different now…" he remarks in wonder, and I take this as my chance to step closer.

I've always admired the depths of his grey eyes, like aged silver, wise for his age. And constantly forgiving and caring. I look directly into them, and he stares back. I place my hand on his shoulder, if only to touch him. An excuse is an excuse, but I feels right, and I don't think he minds; Aang is an affectionate person, after all. "And it's going t be even more different," I reply surely. "When we rebuild the world together."

I'm a little surprised as he is the first to move, to being my body close to his. The embrace is short, but meaningful, and I am holding back with all of my willpower not to squeeze, not to make it last longer.

I'm holding back, because with him this close, I could almost kiss him. But I know I shouldn't, so I won't. I smile instead, and soak in the warmth of his smaller body for as long as he lets me.

We pull away at the same time, always in synch like when we used to train before the big battle. And then we travel outside, into the sunshine. We face the crowd, friends and allies, all eager to see us: the new Fire Lord and the Avatar, two people not unknown to the world as one of the greatest pairs, made famous by my great-grandfathers. Not that Aang knows that I'm related by a hair to Avatar Roku; not that it matters anyway.

While he stands beside me, and I am finally crowned, I don't think of what I say as I smile at the people. I catch myself using the words 'honor' and 'love' and 'peace', three words I never thought I could use together all at once, since the first used to be like a mantra to me, and the last two being fresh in my mind, brought to me like a gift.

I don't think of what I say, because my mind isn't focused. It never has been, even when I thought I had focus. There was always a distraction, as far as I can recall, if I count the start of my path in life being when I had dueled my father at the age Aang is now, both of us not ready to face him like we've had to.

Because since then, that distraction has always been present, like an unshakable elbowleech draining the energy from my body. An obsession. That revelation I had is simply this: as long as it took me to realize it doesn't matter, what matters is what I was fated – and I curse fate – to fall in love with the Avatar, and most likely to never have my feelings returned.

My love for him is disgusting, really; it feels like he is so much younger than me, and yet so much older. And not because Aang is thirteen and I am seventeen, or because he was there one hundred years ago and I was not, and not even because of the burdens we have carried or have not, and not because of how we handle those burdens. I think it's because of how we view things, his outlook positive and mine negative.

And I sometimes hate myself for figuring out my feelings or him, because life would have been so much easier for me had I ignored them and remained in ignorant bliss. Because attachments lead to problematic paths. Even if I didn't love Aang, I have already learned this lesson through Mai. Not my feelings for her, but hers for me. Tragic, really. But tragedies are part of life, aren't they?

Unavoidable. Everything is always unavoidable. And it pisses me off. Because I can handle unrequited feelings, but I hate feeling helpless against their forthcoming. But I suppose everybody can feel that way at times.

I sigh again, and on he day following my coronation, I take out some of my aggressions by asking my 'father' (I prefer to think of Uncle Iroh as my father, but blood is blood whether I like it or not) a very overdue question: "Where is my mother?"

And he tells me, and as much as I hate it, I keep thinking in the back of my mind that I can't wait to go and find her, because I know Aang with come with me to support me, and when that times comes, two of the people I love most in the world will be around me at once, and it just sounds like a dream come true.

But I have to hold back. I can allow my mother to know, because she is wonderful at keeping secrets. But Aang can't know, because I know how he feels about Katara; all of us do, he's so obvious about it. So I know when I'm beaten, but that doesn't mean I am unable to feel this way; I can keep secrets, too.


End file.
